


Brooklyn Ever After

by TatianaMalfoy



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes & Clint Barton Friendship, Depression, F/M, M/M, Major Character(s) death, Near Deaf Clint, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson Friendship, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-09-19 17:08:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9451682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TatianaMalfoy/pseuds/TatianaMalfoy
Summary: After everything they went through Bucky is finally Bucky. His memories are back, he's part of the team, but something's wrong with Steve. Will Bucky be able to help his lover before it's too late?





	1. The Quiet

He groaned and pulled his pillow over his head as the light of the morning sun entered their room in the Avengers Tower. Clearly, whoever invented the sun was a sadistic bastard, he thought as a groan left his lips. The missing laughter or teasing that should have come from his better half had him sitting up quickly, pillow falling on the floor. The other pillow from the bed didn't have an indentation from its owner's head and he was willing to bet his left arm that his side of the bed was also cold. He would bet his left arm because it's already made of metal and he would like to keep at least an arm that he has grown himself since 1917, thank you very much.  


The clock on the nightstand read 6:13. He hadn’t heard the alarm that made them assemble, nor did Steve had any missions scheduled so that meant he was out for a run. Yeah, definitely out for a run. Punk was probably with Sam. He grabbed his pillow from the floor, put it back on the bed and let himself fall back, ready to go back to sleep. Just as he was about to fall in a deep sleep he remembered that Nat and Clint had returned the night before from a mission. So no Sam for Steve this morning. He felt something weird settle in the back of his mind, but relaxed after a few seconds. 

The big guy could take care of himself for an hour while he ran. He sighed, pulled the covers back over him and grabbed the other pillow burrowing his nose deeply in its scent, quickly falling back to sleep, content with the thought that he would certainly wake up in his lover’s arms.  


Unbeknown to him or to their team, the punk in question stood on a bench in the park contemplating suicide…


	2. War zone

As my brain slowly wakes up, I realize that I’m hot. And not in an arrogant Tony “Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist” Stark, but in the sweat dripping down my arms and my shirt stuck to my chest hot. The obvious culprit was the damn furnace that was wrapped like a koala around me. Arms woven around my torso, one leg between mine and the other rested on my waist. The punk forgets every now and then that he’s no longer 100 lbs soaking wet and that his height no longer allowed him to fit his body against mine and put his head under my chin, while still being comfortable…Not that all these changes ever stopped him from trying his hardest.  


It usually happens after a nightmare, but since he didn’t wake me up last night, I don’t think that’s the case right now. I run my right hand through his hair since he’s sleeping on my left one. How in the world can the punk sleep on vibranium and look so relaxed only God knows. The wonder is even greater because Sam and Clint decided to play a prank on him a few months ago. We were all gathered in the living room of our apartment to watch a movie that Stark had said that “us fossils have to watch in case we decide to die again”. That had earned him a slap over the head from Pepper and a mad “Tony!” from Bruce. I knew I liked Ginger and Green for a reason. Anyway, I digress, Steve had fallen asleep in the middle of the movie with his head on my metal shoulder and Clint got up and went to the kitchen to get some hot chocolate like the big kid he was. After a few minutes he came back and asked me to go back with him because he couldn’t find the chocolate. With a sigh and an eye roll, I carefully dislodged Steve and followed him. When I got back to the living room 5 minutes later, with chocolate for me and Steve, Sam, the big idiot that he is had replaced me with Steve’s shield. It didn’t take him long to scrunch up his nose in that adorable way that made me want to put him in the middle of a blanket burrito and never let him go. 10 seconds after his nose moved, his eyes popped open, frowning at the sight of his shield. When Stark opened his mouth to tease him, I shot him a glare that promised pain and quickly told Steve that Sam and Clint had generously offered to clean it and paint it for him. Steve being Steve refused to let his team mates do his job and left the room with the shield to do the job himself, not even taking his chocolate or staying to finish the movie…Sam and Clint were stuck with cleaning after two missions for that.  


“Steve, wake up, doll!” I whisper, my hand never moving from his hair.  


“Umhh-grr”, is the only reply I get and I snort.  


Quickly as I can, without pulling his hair, I free my hand and let it wander over his ribs. Just as I’m about to attack, Steve opens one eye and glares at me.  


“Don’t you dare, Buck!”  


I smirk and let my hand rest on his ribs.  


“Or what?” I taunt.  


“Or you’ll be sorry”, he mumbles, but I can see his lips twitch a tiny bit.  


“How can I be sorry if you’re still sleeping, Stevie?” I tease as I feel his body wake up.  


“I’ll find a way, I’m Captain America, after all” he tells me, rolling away from me and promptly falling back asleep.  


I smile like a lunatic as I watch him. He might be able to kill me along with almost everyone else in this tower, but for me he’ll always be my little Steve. With a kiss on his forehead that earns me a contented sigh, I leave him sleeping and go take a shower. After I got my memories back I didn’t want to cut my hair so now my shower time was a lot longer than Steve’s. 20 minutes later when I get out of the shower Steve is in the same position I left him, on his belly, with an arm under his pillow, covers around his waist. The soft snore that leaves his lips completes the picture. And it’s the snore that makes my fingertips twitch. I love him, but Steve has known for almost a century that I’m an asshole.  


With that in mind, I skip clothes and tip toe towards the bed. When I’m by his side, I check to see if the towel around my waist is still secure and I bend over, fingers curling. Before he can sense me looking at him, I dig my fingers into his ribs, almost falling over in laughter at the anguished sound that leaves Steve’s lips and I can’t help but tickle him a little bit more. His eyes are still shut and for a second I’m tempted to believe he’s faking it, but with a look at his face, I can see that he’s not. My heart clenches and my stomach drops at the pitiful look on his face. Eyes scrunched shut, his teeth clenched and tears slowly starting to make their way down his face. Before I can open my mouth to speak, Steve does.  


“Pl-please, no more. No more!”  


With my hands no longer on him, he starts to trash around in his bed. When a pained yell brings me out of my stupor, I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. Tears and snot are on his precious face and blood from biting his lips in an attempt to keep silent is running down his chin in rivulets.  


I let myself fall to my knees next to the bed and my first instinct is to touch him. The shout that leaves his mouth when my hand touches his shoulder makes me recoil and freeze. Ok, so no touching.  


When a whimper followed by another “No more”, I feel tears starting to run down my face as well.  


“Ok, baby, no more”, I tell him. “No one is touching you. You’re safe, doll. Come on, baby, open your eyes. It’s me, it’s Bucky, you’re safe with me, Stevie!”  


His trashing slowly stops as my words wash over him. “That’s it, baby doll. You’re safe. It’s 2017. We’re in our apartment. We’re both safe. C’mon, open your eyes”.  


“Buck?” His rough voice makes my heart stutter.  


“Yeah, lovely. It’s me, Bucky. C’mon, show me those baby blues. Wake up.”  


“No. Don’t wanna. Bucky’s dead. I let him die…It’s my fault Bucky’s dead. I couldn’t save him.”  


With that his trashing starts again and his whimpering turns into sobbing, murmuring my name like a prayer in between harsh and heavy breaths. “Stevie, baby, no. It wasn’t your fault. Never think that. Never. C’mon, I’m here with you, wake up, beautiful.” I continue murmuring and telling him that I’m alive as his sobbing turns into silent crying and like flipping a switch, his eyes open. I let out a relieved breath and let myself fall on my ass, not caring that by now, the towel was almost falling off. “Oh, thank God, baby. Thank God you’re awake.”  


He sits up, silent, taking in his surrounding, the disheveled state of the bed and the tortured look on my face. “What happened?” He winces. I can’t tell if it’s from hearing his voice you sleeping and went to take a shower. "When I came out, you were still sleeping so I thought it would be a fun way to wake you up by tickling you-”  


“You did what?!?” As his shout reverberated in the silent room, I took back the hand that was about to rest on his hip. I wasn’t afraid he was going to hurt me, but maybe he didn’t want to be touched again after telling me not to tickle him. I knew his nightmare was on me, but I honestly would have never in a million years thought it would get to this. With my eyes on the floor I mumble an “I’m sorry…”  


He lets out a harsh laugh that it’s so unlike Steve that I can’t help but look up.  


“He’s sorry, he says. You’re sorry, Bucky? What are you exactly sorry for, Buck? Huh?!?” Had I been on my feet I would have taken a step back when I heard his tone. From my position on the floor I could only watch him throw the covers on the other side of the room and get up, not giving me another glance, his shoulders military straight. “I’m sorry for tickling you…”  


He stops dead in his tracks, on the way to the bathroom. His shoulders slump and he lets out a pained sound from the back of his throat. Shaking his head he continues his way to the bathroom, ignoring me.  


As the door shuts behind him, I swear I can hear him mumble “He just doesn’t get it…”  


The sound of the door closing is followed by the sound of the shower and I spend the next half an hour on the floor, naked and wondering what the fuck just happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story came to me out of the blue. Actually, no, that's a lie. The only thing that came to my mind was the last sentence of the previous chapter. Not even I know what's going to happen. What I do know is that the struggles that Steve will face come from the things that I went through and continue to go through. I hope you'll bear with me as we muddle through all the bad and the good stuff that goes on in the lives of Steve and Bucky. This means that as more of Steve's issues surface, the time that will take me to post will grow. Happy reading! :)
> 
> Chapter inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_3d6GntKbk


	3. Consuming all the air inside my lungs...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! Hope it was worth the wait. Comment and tell me if you liked it. Also, I don't have a beta, so if you find a mistake, kindly point it out to me and I'll change it. Thanks a million, guys! :)
> 
> As usual, chapter inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkGVmN68ByU

Half an hour later, my ass is numb and Steve is still in the shower. Which is something weird in itself because Steve never spends more than 10 minutes in the shower unless we’re having sex or hiss body is dirty with his blood or the blood and the guts of whoever we end up fighting. The two times I ask him if he’s alright are left unanswered and before I can ask a third time or barge in there to check if he’s still alive, a loud noise fills the tower.  


A hiss and a “Goddamn it!” come from the bathroom just as Jarvis’s voice fills the room. “Director Fury is asking the Avengers to assemble in the meeting room up on the 87th floor, Sir.”  


Sitting up and putting the towel back around me, I glare towards the ceiling. Obviously it wasn’t Jarvis’s fault, but it felt good to blame someone. Fuck! Just what we needed right now. To fight God knows what kind of alien from God knows what forsaken planet when Steve is so fucking mad at me.  


“You heard that, babe?”  


“Of course I heard that, James. Unlike others, I listen when someone tells me something”.  


I recoil as he storms the bathroom, steam coming from behind him, clad in only a towel and slamming the door so hard that I’m sure our wall is dented now. He ignores me completely, choosing to walk into our closet to change into his Captain America suit.  


“Can I come?” I ask because I didn’t want him to be in danger from fighting next to me so soon after our fight and losing his razor sharp focus…Although I’m not sure it even counts as a fight because he has barely said a handful of words and he didn’t once give me his patented disappointed look that made even the Hulk feel bad.  


I hear a bang and the shield rolls out of the closet, ironically coming to a stop in front of me and hitting the floor with another loud bang. The situation is so ironic that I can taste the bitterness on my tongue. I bend over to lift it just as he comes out of the closet, dressed, but with his helmet under his right arm. “Here” I tell him and hand him the shield.  


“Thanks.” He takes it and turns on his heels and walks towards the door, where he stops with his hand on the handle. He still doesn’t turn around to look at me when he speaks. “As for coming, you can do whatever the hell you want. You seem to be good at that…You’re part of the team too.” With that, he stalks out of the room, slamming it behind him and not getting to hear my reply of "But you're the Captain...".

Shaking my head and ignoring the hurt that was filling my every cell, I run to our closet to get dressed. “Jarvis, tell the others I’ll be there in 5 minutes and not to leave without me.” His curt answer of “Certainly, Sir” comes just as I put on a pair of boxers. Only as I finish zipping my black cargo pants do I realize that it’s a pair of Steve’s and not mine. My stomach drops even more, but I continue getting dressed as fast as I can. After putting my boots on, I take the five knives that are always with me when we fight and start strapping them to my gear as I walk out of the room and towards the elevator.  


I enter the room a minute and a half later, interrupting the information that Maria Hill and Fury were giving the team. Fury stops in the middle of his sentence and gives me a quick glare. His “Agent Barnes, so nice of you to joins us” is met without a response from me since I’m stuck in the doorway, frozen and looking at Steve who had sat in between Sam and Natasha. I quickly sit down next to Clint, who is ignoring Fury and looking between me and Steve. He elbows me, trying to get my attention, but I ignore him and chose to keep my eyes on Steve, watching him and his reactions.  


“As I was saying, your job today is to keep Denver and the rest of the world safe from a breed of aliens that is feeding off of toxic waste.” He proceeds to show us some pictures of some slimy mother fuckers, whose skin trembled like jelly and was colored purple and green…They almost looked like the Hulk had eaten a ton of blueberry jelly and then threw up. One look at Clint from the corner of my eye told me that from the smirk in the corner of his mouth he was probably thinking of something along the same lines. “Thor, War Machine, Witch and Vision are already there, trying to contain the situation until you join them. Wheels up in 15, ladies!” With that, Hill and Fury exit the room, leaving us silent and the atmosphere quickly becoming awkward.  


Steve wasn’t meeting my eyes, Sam and Nat were giving each other concerned look, Banner was drinking his tea and politely ignoring the obvious tension, Clint was drilling holes in the side of my head with the looks he was giving me and Tony looked like he was getting ready to speak. My boot connects with his shin just as he opens his mouth. “First, ouch, Barnes. We’re not all super soldiers here. Second, what happened between you and Captain McGrumpy over there, huh?” I glare at him as Steve’s voice covers the noises coming from the pissed off Sam and Nat. “None of your fucking business, Stark.” He sits up, his chair hitting the wall behind him, grabs his shield and sprints out of the room, Sam hot on his heels.  


“Did Captain America just swore at me?” Tony mumbles, half horrified and half impressed.  


I roll my eyes as Natasha bares her teeth at him and sneers. “I keep telling you that he’s not at all the saint that the papers and the historians made him out to be, but you never believe me. Also, as Stevie said, it’s none of your fucking business.”  


Natasha nods and brings her two cents to the conversation before running after our boyfriends. “It’s called tact, Anthony Stark. You should learn it.”  
Clint snorts as me, Bruce and him exit the room, all three of us rolling our eyes as Tony runs out of the room to follow us and shouts behind us “I don’t know how I ended up being the bad guy here.”  


When we get to the roof, Sam, Nat and Steve are already talking in hushed whispers, not once looking in our direction.  


“Seriously now, is everything alright? Cap came in with smoke coming out of his ears and sits between Hansel and Gretel over there and you look like someone rained on your parade.” Knowing Steve could hear us due to his super soldier hearing I shake off Clint’s concerned questions. “Nothing happened. We just had a…misunderstanding.” The snort coming from Steve tells me that I was right, he was listening to what we were talking about. The rest of the time is spent in silence and we all breathe a sigh of relief when the jet lands on the roof. The noise of the plane was making communications difficult, yet it seemed that even though we all had our coms turned on, no one was in a hurry to talk. Still, the difference between the flight to and from Siberia during our last mission, when Steve and I cuddled the entire time, was painful. He was sitting next to Sam at the front of the jet, not talking, but splitting his time between looking out the window, polishing his shield and looking at Sam who was making googly eyes at Natasha, while she brushed it off, playing hard to get, not giving him a second look and focusing entirely on flying the jet.  


As Clint and Natasha landed the jet on top of what seemed to be one of the tallest buildings in Denver, Steve sat up and put his helmet on, moving so he could look at all of us. “Be careful out there. Don’t take unnecessary risks, we didn’t come here to play, we came here to do our jobs and get home safely. All of us. If you’re hit, let the rest of us know and if you can get back here. I’m not risking any one of you so you better be careful out there. Got it?”  


Different affirmative answers filled the jet and he nods, putting his helmet on. “Good. Let’s do this, Avengers!”  


Natasha pushes the button that opens the door of the jet and we watch as he runs out, saluting us with two fingers to his forehead and jumping of the roof. She smiles after him, kisses Sam, who tells her to be careful and she follows Steve, jumping of the roof before we hear her in our coms. “Thor, War Machine, I need a lift at the Stanley building.” It’s beyond me why she didn’t ask Stark for a lift and took one of the other guys from the fight. I guess just because I’m gay, I still won’t be able to understand how a woman’s brain works.  


“See you out there!” With that, Iron Man’s mask is on his face and he takes off, just as Banner puts down his shirt and starts trembling. “Not here, Big Guy, you’ll wreck the jet and Stark will have our asses.” A slowly turning green Bruce Banner gives Clint a smirk before letting out a roar and leaving only Clint and I out of the action.  


As we run out and split, each of taking a corner of the roof, we look around the streets at our feet. Green and purple goo people move around as our team tries to stop them from puking any more green stuff that seems to melt everything and anything it touches. My eyes follow Steve around as he and Sam seem to go through goo man after goo man like they were made of dough. Jealousy feels my gut as I see Steve smile at Sam and hear him in our coms “Thanks, Sam. Owe you one, pal!” when Sam catches the shield that Steve had thrown at one of the alien and throws it at one that was coming behind Steve. “Falcon, Stevie. I told you it’s Falcon when we’re out here.” Sam teases and my breath catches when Steve throws his head back and lets out a hearty laugh. “Sure, Falcon. Sure”  


Since when does Sam call Steve “Stevie”? And why didn’t Steve correct him?  


I shoot two of them before Steve can think of throwing the shield at them and the only thing I get is a “Thanks, Bucky” from Sam, before he and Steve move away and out of my shooting range. What the fuck? I shoot five more in a quick succession and watch as Sam takes Steve for a ride, flying him to an alien ship that was making its way towards our building. They manage to take it down but all I can do is watch in slow motion how the ship hits the apartment building next to us, but makes it collapse over the ship and swallowing Sam and Steve in a ton of rubble. Fuck! The rifle falls out of my hand and I jump off the building, not giving a fuck about waiting for a ride. I hit a car and roll over on the street, ignoring the pain in my shoulder and running towards the remains of the building.  


“Falcon, Cap, you alright?” Witch’s voice comes over in the coms. “Cap, Falcon come in! Sam-Sammy-” Natasha is next. “Come on, Captain. Don’t tell me a building was all it took to take you and your sidekick out!” That’s Tony for you. But I can’t help but feel the burn in my gut when he calls Sam his sidekick. That was me! That was my place.  


“Steve, you out there?!? Damn it, punk, I’ll kill you myself if you don’t get out of there right now. Stevie, baby, remember what you said about all of us going home. That includes you too, you know? C’mon, doll. You can’t leave me…” By now Thor and Hulk have abandoned the fight and are pulling away huge pieces of concrete, searching for Steve and Sam, while Natasha and I keep begging our boys not to leave us.  


Clint is white as a sheet next to me, but shooting arrow after arrow at the aliens that are trying to attack Thor and Hulk and stop them from digging.  


“I’m *cough cough* fine. Looking for Cap” Sam’s voice is heard as the Witch had joined Thor and Hulk and was moving walls with her mind. Natasha’s cry of relief chills me to my bones. What If this is it? What if I really lost my punk and I won’t be able to tell him that I’m sorry and that I love him with all my heart?  


“I’m here. A wall fell on me. Broke a leg and a few ribs. I’ll be out in a few minutes. Go back to the fight!” I fall to my knees as his voice rings in our ears. Thor’s joyful cry is music to my ears and tears start running down my face. It was so fucking close. “Stevie, baby…”  


“Back to the fight, Barnes. There’s no time for this now.” I can hear all of them gasp at Steve’s tone. My knees tremble and my fingers tremble as well. I open and close my mouth a few times, but nothing comes out.  


“C’mon, Bucky. Let’s show these fuckers how shit gets done here on this planet. I bet I can take out more than you!” With that Clint is in the wind, shooting anything that was green and purple in his line of sight.  


“That’s a challenge if I ever heard one, Barnes. Are ya gonna let Birdy win?” Stark bless his soul is actually the one that gets me moving.  


“Hey! Nice to see where your alliance is, Iron Man! Team Winter Soldier are you, huh?” Clint laugh fills our ears. “Why kick a friend while he’s already down?” We all ignore Stark and I manage to take the lead from Clint, if only for a few seconds. “Ha! Take that, Winter Soldier my ass. I got 22, while you’re falling behind with 17.” Clint’s gloating is interrupted by Steve joining the fight and filling our ears. His helmet is missing, his skin and hair are dirty from the dust and the ruble that fell on him. His suit is torn up and bloodied and just as dirty as him…and yet he had never looked more beautiful to me than he did right then and there. “If you, ladies, are done playing Cops and Robbers, act your age and not your fucking shoe size. I’d like to sleep in my own bed tonight, so quit fucking around and do your jobs!”  


I flinch and trip and fall to my knees as I hear the ice in his voice. The “my bed” instead of “our bed” remark didn’t escape me either.  


“Jesus, Cap, buddy. What crawled up your ass and died? Did you and your lover boy didn’t get to have sex this morning?” My heart stops in my chest when Clint finishes his question.  


The Avengers, including myself, are all holding our breaths and even the fight around us seemed to come to a stop when we heard Clint. Steve, froze, before turning in Clint’s direction. Clint, for his part, seemed to understand his mistake. “Cap, listen…”  


“That’s two, Barton. Make it to three and you’re sitting the next one out. Got it, buddy?”  


His tone could have melted ice and freeze lava. His posture was straighter than an iron pole. His eyes were narrowed and dark. We could all hear his teeth crunch and the force with which Steve was clenching his jaw. “Got it, Captain.” Clint didn’t say anything else, but turned away from Steve’s sight and went back to killing aliens.  
When he turned, he missed Steve’s actions. The rest of us didn’t. We watched as he took a breath, turned his back to us and let his shield fly, decapitating three aliens in one move, before rotating his torso and putting his fist through another one’s head. Keeping his face straight the entire time. He looked like an angel of Death…of Revenge. He looked like a Valkyrie. He looked tortured and beautiful at the same time.  


He didn’t speak for the rest of the fight. None of us did. One by one we finished our opponents and we gathered as one and watched him put his fist through alien, followed by alien, followed by alien, until there were no more. None of us dared to join him or take away his fight. Not even Hulk. He didn’t ask for help once. He didn’t need it. We all stood, watching him fight, watching his muscles tighten and relax as his fists and shield flew left and right.  


When he was finally done, fifteen minutes later, he turned to us, gasping for breath, his body now dirty with alien intestines as well, and gave us all a quick once over. “All of ya alright? Sam, you ok?”  


“Yeah, man. Thanks. Nat already looked at me. Are you alright? The wall that fell on you couldn’t have been that light, dude. You should let us take you and check if your ribs and leg healed alright.” I knew I liked Sam for a reason.  


“I’m fine. If you’re up for it, stay and help me clean. If not, you can fly back to New York.”  


With that, he turns and joins the firefighters and police officers and ambulances that were finally getting there. We looked at each other and we all ran in different corners of the street to help.  


I was helping a couple of firefighters take out the body of a young woman out of a wrecked car, but I was keeping an eye on Steve, looking at him from the corner of my eye from time to time. Which is how I saw Clint approach him. To apologize more than likely. But before Clint could reach him, I saw Steve body stiffen and he put his finger to his mouth, making the ones around him fall quiet one by one. “Cap-Steve, listen…”  


“I said quiet, Clint.” Steve’s roar got everyone to shut up as machines that helped clean and rescue were one by one shut down. Before one of us could open our mouths and piss him off again, I hear it. A small noise coming from under the same building that had collapsed on top of Steve and Sam. It was a whine, mixed the noise of a piece of iron hitting another one and a small “Help!” every now and then. If I could hear it, with only a little part of Steve’s human hearing, he surely did.  


“You hear that?”  


It takes me a couple of moments to realize that he’s talking to me. When I do, I nod frantically and say “Yeah, I just don’t know from where.”  


Tony is the one that asks the question that everyone is thinking. “Hear what?”  


Steve lets out a frustrated noise and runs his hand through his hair before answering. “A kid. It’s trapped in this building. But I can’t pinpoint his location…”  


All of the people gathered ran to the building and started pulling pieces away, until the cry could be heard louder and louder. It’s Steve himself though that gets the honor of taking away the piece of ruble that covers a little boy, that couldn’t be more than five, hiding under a ventilation pipe.  


The boy starts crying of relief at the same time as Steve falls to his knees and lets out a soft “Thank God.” Steve pushes his upper part of the body and pulls the little boy out, running his hands over him, frantically checking for wounds. When he finds none, he looks at the boy’s face and smiles.  


“Hey, Buddy. You’re ok now. You’re safe. Nothing can hurt you now.”  


The boy is crying and smiling at the same time, showing us a few missing teeth. There’s no blood around his face so I’m pretty sure the building falling on top of him wasn’t the cause.  


“What’s your name, little one?” Steve asks him as he walks towards an ambulance.  


“Andrew Steve” the little one mumbles and Steve’s dirty face lights up.  


“That’s right. You’re Andrew and I’m Steve.”  


I can barely keep myself from snorting when the kid gives him an “are you stupid?” look. “No, silly. My name is Steve. Andrew Steve O’Riley. My momma named me after you because I’m sick a lot. Like a lot a lot. And she wanted me to feel like I can become as strong as you when I grow up.”  


Once again, Steve’s face brings butterflies to my stomach. He looks so happy and so tortured he could cry. “Is that so? Well, Steve is an amazing name…But can I tell you a secret?”  


The kid gives him a quick grin and nods. “You’re already strong. Stronger than me! You don’t have to wait to grow up.”  


“No, I can’t be stronger than Captain America!” The kid- Andrew- looks he could cry tears of happiness or throw up just at the thought.  


“Yes, you are. You helped us find you.”  


Steve is whispering to him, running his hands through Andrew’s what seemed to be red hair and tries to hand him over to one of the nurses on site. But Andrew was having none of it. He started trashing and fisted his hands in Steve’s tattered costume, a litany of “No!No!Noooo!!” leaving his mouth.  


“Ok, ok, Champ. I’m not letting you go. It’s ok. I’m here. You’re strong!”  


“No. Not strong. Couldn’t save mommy.” Steve and the nurse share a tortured look as Andrew’s wails get louder. Women are crying around us and even a few men were suspiciously putting their hands over their eyes.  


“Hey now. Mommy wanted…She wanted you safe, Buddy. She loved you.”  


The little tyke is slowly calming down in Steve’s arms as Steve whispers sweet nothings to him and keeps running his hands over his little body. “There now. Let’s get you to the hospital and check you out, alright?” The kid only nods, hiding his face in Steve’s neck. “I said, alright, mister?” Steve shakes his little body from side to side. Andrew giggles. “Alright…But, you’re coming with me, right?” Steve’s rolls his eyes for Andrew to see and tells him “Of course. Where else would I be, Andrew? Huh? Do you think I would leave a new friend so quickly?” He turns towards us and shouts that he’s going to the hospital and to get him from there when we’re ready to leave.  


He jumps into the ambulance and as the nurse looks around to see if someone else wants to go with them, my breath hitches as I watch Steve. Steve honest to God tickles Andrew, getting him to giggle his head off. “My momma tickles me too!” Andrew’s happy voice shouts. As the nurse closes the door, I hear Steve’s response, that just about brings me to my knees. “My ma did it to me once too…”  


That's when it hits me like a ton of fucking bricks. Fuck! How could I be so stupid?!? How could I forget.  


“Fuck!!Fuuuuuck! Moron! Asshole!”  


“Yo, who are you cursing there?” Sam asks me as I walk around, slapping my forehead.  


“Myself” I respond before going back to hitting myself.  


“Is this about the fight between you two?” Natasha asks.  


“Yeah…I-ugh…I messed up. This morning when I woke up, I threatened to tickle him-“  


“What? You’re telling me Captain America went all Rottweiler on my ass because you tickled him? Or wait, is that some code for gay sex? Cause if it is I don’t wanna know…”  


I roll my eyes at Clint. “No, you moron. You didn’t let me finish. So I threaten him. He tells me no. I go take a shower and when I come out, he’s still asleep. So I’m thinking to myself that it would be fun to tickle him awake, right?”  


As I get nods from our team mates, I shake my head. “Wrong. I sent him into a nightmare, followed by a crying and sobbing about how he couldn’t save me. And before I could grovel and ask for forgiveness, we were sent here… I can’t believe I forgot.”  


“What? That he doesn’t like tickling? C’mon, man…” Rhodey’s affirmation is met with nods from Clint and Tony.  


“That…and why he doesn’t like tickling…”  


“I sense a pre WWII Stucky story here” Nat sighs.  


I nod. “Yeah…So my family was a physical one. I was the only boy with three younger sisters and my parents spoiled us when and how they could. My dad used to tickle us to death if we didn’t get to bed on time. Sarah, bless her heart, could never do that to Steve. His lungs, his asthma- it would have sent him to the hospital. You know how it’s well documented that he was sick before the serum, right? The historians don’t know even half of it. So we’re a month or so before Steve’s eighth birthday when Steve goes up to Sarah and tells her he knows what he wants for his birthday. You see, money was tight. Sarah was a single mom, Steve was sick all the time. So with tears in her eyes, she asks him what he wants. Can you guess what he wanted?”  


“To get tickled?” The frown on Bruce’s face speaks for itself.  


“Yeah. So Sarah, if you ever wondered where Steve got his bleeding heart from, tells him that if he can make it to this birthday without landing in the hospital or getting sick, she’ll tickle him. Neither one of us imagined even for a second that it would actually happen. Now you know Steve. You know you only have to tell him he can’t do it and he’ll bend over backwards to show you that he can. But she couldn’t say no to him in his face, when he asked for something so insignificant, ya know? So the time passes, and both of us honest to God forgot about Steve’s request. That is until the morning of his birthday. I had slept over the night before and Sarah had made us a few pancakes with real milk for breakfast when Steve asks if it’s time. Sarah, confused, asks him “Time for what, snowflake?” Steve, proud as an eight year old can get tells her that it’s time she tickled him. Sarah and I were exchanging terrified looks over Steve’s happy face. Sarah tries to give him his real present to distract him. Of course it doesn’t work. So we both say a prayer and Sarah takes Steve on her lap…Guess what happens next? Steve’s breathing stops and he spends the next three weeks in the hospital. After that, he moved into my house because Sarah had to take extra shifts and a second job to pay the bills…And Steve would leave the room every time my parents would tickle one of us…He never brought it up again. Until I did this morning.”  


“Well Christ on a popsicle, Barnes. Now I feel bad for Cap…”  


Thanks Tony, that makes me feel tons better.  


“I’m an idiot” I mumble once again for good measure.  


I can’t even find it in myself to look at Clint when he agrees with me.


	4. Cold sheets, but where's my love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! Sorry for the delay. I apologize for keeping you waiting if you were curious about what happens next, but flu doesn't care about what we want and hit me with a vengeance. Hope you'll like it. I just finished writing it and I don't have a beta, so if you notice any mistakes, kindly point them out to me and I'll change them. Comment and let me know what you think. Comments make my day.
> 
> Chapter inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giXZwmfNvdc
> 
> Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, meet Steve Rogers.

As the ambulance drove away, the kid kept a death grip on what was left of my suit. My lungs were burning and I felt like I was dying every time I took a breath, but I couldn’t bring myself to take away the only security blanket that he had now…It would be hard enough later when I would eventually had to return to New York.  


I kept a hand on his back, but moved it up and down in an attempt to sooth him. It must’ve worked because at some point I felt his body slump against mine and his grip relaxed…a little, but it relaxed. The driver was clearly trying his best to give us a smooth ride, but it was impossible. Roads had been blown up, buildings had collapsed and cars had been used as ammo. Every bump felt like another building falling on top of me again and again. My bones cracked every time I moved an inch and my muscles screamed in pain. My body was certainly not happy with me. I obviously couldn’t do anything about the pain….but on some fucked up level, I welcomed it. It meant that I had survived on more fight…though, at this point, fighting seems to be the only thing I’m good at. And I’m getting tired of it. Fast. I tried to keep the wincing to a minimum, but by the looks the nurse was giving me, I was sure I failed.  


Failure…Something that seems to be taking over my life now  


“I know he needs your help, but YOU need help more than he does right now.”  


I nod because it’s true and my Ma would have my ass for lying about this. I do need help, the pain was getting worse. But how could I get help when Andrew had me in a death grip?  


“Don’t think I haven’t noticed the wincing, Captain.”  


I wince again. But this time it’s a reflex brought by her words. Captain. That’s all I seem to be these days. Captain this, Captain that. And I love helping. And I knew what I was doing when I signed up for Project Rebirth-at least I think I did. For a while, it was great, I got to help win the war, I was healthy and I could protect Bucky. Until I couldn’t anymore. Until I lost him and until I lost myself in the process. Until I became The Captain. National Treasure. Captain America…  


Until I became an image that I had to uphold even though it had nothing to do with whom I really was. With Steve Rogers. People no longer care or know Steve Rogers anymore. I’m pretty sure people never did…And the sad part is that I’m pretty sure that not even I know who Steve Rogers is anymore…or if he still exists somewhere buried under the face of Captain America.  


“Captain, you ok? Come back to me, Captain!”  


I shake my head and her worried face is right there, looking at me like I was about to suddenly keel over. “Steve, ma’am, please. I’ll get help at the hospital. We have to help Andrew now.” I throw her a smile for good measure because I remember the time my Ma told me that I could rob Heaven with that smile. It doesn’t work because she glares at me and points her finger at me.  


“Don’t try that with me, Steven Rogers. That building mustn’t have been that comfortable to rest under, don’t ya think?”  


I snort and I smirk. “You haven’t had a building fall on you recently, have you?” What else could I tell her? That I smiled as the rubble fell on me and crushed my ribcage? That it felt good to have everything go dark and not feel anything for a few minutes? That I welcomed the pain of a crushed leg? That I hated myself for healing again? That I had hoped that the rib that punctured my left lung would finally do the trick? No, I couldn’t very well tell her that.  


“Don’t be a smartass with me, young man! You could have a concussion for all we know.”  


“Ma’am, trust me when I tell you, a concussion is the least of your worries. If I were you, I’d worry that the doctors might have to re-break my ribs if they didn’t heal properly…”  


Her jaw drops. Probably at my tone. Probably at how easily I spoke of something that could kill a normal person. Sometimes I wish I could be a normal person… Sometimes I wish it would all just fucking end already.  


“WHAT!?! How the hell are you breathing? WHY in the world didn’t you say something?”  


She’s frantic now, looking at me up and down, trying to see if I was gonna die in the time that it took us to get to the hospital. I’d be worried too if a national icon would die on my watch. The poor woman would be crucified for letting that happen, even though it obviously wouldn’t have been her fault since I hid the true extent of my injuries. I guess I keep hoping that one day soon it will work.  


I keep hoping that I’ll wake up one morning to find out that the serum has stopped working and I went back to being that skinny little shit from Brooklyn that loved to do nothing more than spend time with Bucky and draw. Or that one time the injuries will get too much even for the serum to overcome. Oh, how I’d wished this serum came with an expiration date…  


“Ma’am, calm down before you get a panic attack. I’m fine. The ribs were among the first injury that healed, or else I wouldn’t be here, don’t ya think?”  


“FIRST?!? Just HOW injured are you?” Her voice is getting loud and Andrew whimpers, curling closer to me.  


“Were injured, ma’am. Now I’m just feeling the aftermath. I may be a super soldier, but I still feel pain like everyone else. And since it really hurts to breath, I’m pretty sure the ribs will need to be re-broken.”  


“Well, fuck!” she mutters.  


I start laughing before I can stop myself and then I hiss and tighten my hold on Andrew to stop myself from doubling over in pain.  


Before either one of us can say anything else, the car screeches to a halt in front of the hospital. I close my eyes and bear down, trying not to scream in pain as my shoulder hits the side of the car.  


“Ok, let’s get Andrew inside and have the doctors check you out. Or are you waiting for SHIELD doctors?”  


Wait? I would let myself be checked over by HYDRA doctors right now, that’s how much pain I was in.  


“No. The pain is getting too much even for me and it’s not like I can get pain medication either.”  


We climb out of the ambulance, Andrew still sleeping, the nurse shouting for doctors to come.  


“What do you mean, you can’t get pain medication? We’ll get you morphine straight away, Captain.”  


I shake my head as we walk inside and an army of doctors is upon us, a cacophony of voices talking at the same time, giving me an even bigger headache. I lift two fingers at my mouth and whistle loudly, shutting them up, but waking Andrew in the process.  


"Wha-? Was goin’ on?  


"Shh, little one. We’re at the hospital. Let’s get you checked over, kay? I tell him softly as another nurse walks towards us, her arms stretched to take him from me.  
Before I can tell her he won’t go, Andrew lets out a piercing scream and starts trashing in my arms, hitting my ribs with his knees. FUCK! I double over and wheeze, trying to hold him still and protect by ribcage at the same time. The pain was blinding and I could soon see white spots behind my eyelids. Oh, fuck. I knew what was coming. My heart breaks for the little one, as he trashes against me, screaming and tears and snot on his face, but I can feel myself losing the fight. I felt and heard a snap and the nurse that had been with us pales in horror. We both know what happened. We look into each other’s eyes for a few seconds before her experience takes over and she starts moving. She rips Andrew from my arms and passes him to someone else. I can see her lips moving and I hear shouts around me, but as my vision blurs and I fall to my knees, I can’t tell what they’re saying.  


The last thing I remember before everything went black was seeing her desperate face above me.  


Beep…Beep…Beep  


My eyes slowly open, eyelids fluttering a few times, trying to get used to the light. The annoying beep was getting on my nerves and I couldn’t move my left arm because it was under the bandages that were wrapped tightly around my torso.  


“Boy, do I know now you weren’t kidding about the pain medication.”  


I turn towards the voice and I see the same nurse that has been by my side today. I really ought to ask her name. I frown because I don’t know what she’s talking about. The confusion must be obvious on my face because she talks again.  


“We had to pump you full of anesthetic every 10 minutes while you were getting surgery.”  


I nod. I knew that. “Yes.” I clear my throat before trying again. She rushes to the table that’s in the corner of the room and comes back with a glass of water and a straw. I drink a little and nod my head in thanks. “My body burns through it too quickly. Anesthetic, medication, drugs, alcohol.”  


“Really?”  


“Yeah, before the serum I couldn’t drink because we were too poor and I was too sick. After the serum, I couldn’t get drunk because the serum burns it too quickly to have any effect on me. I can’t even get tipsy, let alone drunk…Trust me, I’ve tried.”  


The memories of Bucky falling flash in front my eyes and my heart clenched for a moment. Bucky might be an asshole, but he was my asshole. Always has been, always will be.  


She looks at me with sympathy in her eyes. Before she can say anything else, I ask her what the verdict on my broken body is. She grimaces as she speaks.  
“Well, we’re all wondering how the hell did you wake up from those injuries and how in the world could you fight again…To put it in a simple way, we’re wondering how the hell did you survive…”  


“Trust me, I ask myself that all the time.”  


“Right, so, injuries. Skull fracture, shattered ribs on your right side-like pieces of bones were swimming freely in your abdomen shattered-; two ribs were into your left lung and your knee needed work too…And your body is already heeling the surgeries. It’s like you went under the knife at least a month ago and not an hour ago. It’s fascinating…”  


Yeah, fascinating. Before either one of us could open our mouths and say anything else, we heard shouts and people running towards the room. Here we go… I took a big breath, smiling when it didn’t make me piss myself from the pain and let it out just as the door slammed open, hitting the wall and the figure of Bucky filling the room. Sam and Natasha crash into the doorway seconds after, while Tony and Bruce follow at a more sedate pace, though the worry is visible on both of their faces. Rhodey, Wanda, Vision and Thor end the platoon. My nurse is looking at them, her mouth on the floor. The small hospital room was filled with the dirty Avengers whose faces and bodies bore the marks of the fight and their worry for me.  


“Steven, my friend! So good to see you in high spirits. And alive!”  


I snort at Thor’s words. Natasha snorts as well, but visibly relaxes as she takes a seat on the edge of my bed. Sam rubs his temples, before looking up at the sky. I couldn’t be sure if it was either to give thanks or to wonder what he did to deserve this. Bruce smiles at me and takes the chart from the end of my bed, eyes widening at what he read. Yeah, you and I both, buddy.  


“Capsicle, happy to see you breathing.”  


That’s Tony for you. “Thanks, Tony. Me too…” Not really, but again, I couldn’t tell them that.  


Rhodey’s relief is visible on his face, while Wanda looks ready to cry. I lift my right arm and she runs to me, crying in my shoulder. “Hey, now, W. I’m ok. It takes more than a building to take me out. I’m fine as a fiddle. Promise.” Bucky makes a strangled noise which we all choose to ignore. I kiss her forehead and she steps away, Vision taking her in his arms and calming her. Vision himself gives me a nod, which tells me all I need to know about his worry for me.  


My eyes fall on Clint, who, by the looks of it is supporting the person I was avoiding looking at. His eyes were torn. I could see that. He was worried about me, but he didn’t know how to help Bucky, who had quickly, became his best friend, his confidante. In the end, he gave me a nod before wrapping an arm around Bucky.  


“He’s fine, Buck. Look at him. He’s here with you. He’s not leaving us any time soon. Breathe, Bucky.”  


That’s when I finally let my gaze fall on him. He looked wrecked. His hair was in tangled knots, matted with blood and green and purple stuff. His uniform was torn in several places. He was shaking and he was white as chalk. My stomach clenched when I saw his eyes turn to ice.  


“You son of a bitch-”  


The nurse gasped and clicked her tongue. “Mr. Barnes, if you can’t-”  


I shake my head. I knew Bucky better than I knew myself most of the time. He needed to get this out of his system before he calmed down and realized I was ok. “No, let him.”  


“Let him, he says. You stupid son of a bitch! How could you?!? How could you do this to me? We get here expecting to find you playing with that kid and instead they tell us you’re resting after your surgery. After you almost died, AGAIN!”  


As he yelled, Sam took a hold of the nurse’s arm and gently pushed her towards the door, the rest of the team following. Before he closed the door behind him, Tony grinned and gave me a thumbs up. Yeah, thanks a lot, asshole.  


“What were you thinking! Fighting even after that building fell on you! You said you were fine, you bastard.”  


“Calm down, Bucky. I’m fine.”  


I know that wasn’t the smartest thing to say to the Winter Soldier, but there really wasn’t anything else I could tell him. The fight needed to be fought and we won in the end. How was I supposed to know that I wouldn’t heal properly? I don’t see the future.  


“You don’t get to tell me to calm down, Steve. Not now. Not after I almost lost you again, ok?!?You can’t keep doing this shit to me! You almost die every other fight and I can’t take it anymore. My heart can’t take it, got it, you asshole?”  


I rear back in anger. “And what the fuck do you want me to do about it, Barnes!?! I’m just a soldier, it’s what I am, it’s what I do. It’s what I was created to do, remember?”  


“NO! How can you say that? You’re not JUST a soldier, Steve. You’re my Steve. MY Steve. You’re my heart, you’re my everything. You don’t get to die on me and leave me alone, Steve. You’re not allowed.”  


“I’m not allowed?”  


“No. I forbid you from dying.” He’s slowly starting to calm down and the look on his face tells me he thinks he has found the solution to our problem by forbidding me from dying. Between the serum and Bucky, I won’t be able to die any time soon. Fuck it to hell!  


“I get that you were angry because I reminded you of Sarah, but you can’t do that to me again, ok. Especially during a fight.”  


Now I’m confused. What does my Ma have to do with everything? “My Ma? What’s she got to do with this, Buck?”  


He rolls his eyes and sits down on the chair next to the bed, putting his hand on my thigh. His warm touch relaxed my body instantly and anchored me to the present.  


“I know you got mad that I reminded you of Sarah tickling you…I promise I won’t do it again, but please, promise me you’ll never take it out on me like that. Shout at me, throw things at me, but don’t ignore me, ok, doll? I swear. No more tickling for the rest of our lives. But ignoring me during a fight was a jerk move, punk.”  


As he caresses my thigh, I feel my hackles rise. He thinks me getting mad was over something as stupid as tickling? Does he even know me?  


I shake my thigh, dislodging his hand and making his frown at me. “What’s wrong?”  


“What’s wrong? Are you kidding me right now?!? You think I got mad over getting tickled? Are you out of your mind?”  


He looks hurt. Good. Now you know how I feel, jerk. “It wasn’t? Then what was it for?”  


I shake my head in disbelief. He still doesn’t fucking get it. “It was the touch itself, Bucky.”  


“What?” The shock is obvious in his tone and on his face. “What do you mean?”  


I roll my eyes as I sit up. “It was the touch. I asked you not to do it. I asked you not to touch me, but you did anyway. I asked you something and you threw it back in my face like it was nothing.”  


“But-but, it didn’t hurt. I didn’t hurt you. I know I didn’t hurt you. I would never hurt you again, Steve. You know that. You have to know that.”  


He looks hysterical. Shaking his head back and forth, a crazed look in his eyes. I sigh and lower my eyes. It still hurts me to see him this way. “It wasn’t about the hurt, Bucky. It was about trust. I had had a nightmare that night and I was already on edge. I didn’t think I could take getting touched out of nowhere. And I trusted that you, better than anyone else, understood that.”  


“A nightmare? But you didn’t wake me up. Accidentally or on purpose. I would have never done that if I had known…”  


I cut him off, roaring my anger. “If you had known?!? IF?!? Bucky, do you hear yourself? It should have been enough since I asked you not to touch me. I expected the same respect that I gave you and that I still give you when it comes to that, damn it.”  


“I-I-”  


My anger is poison in my veins as I get out of bed and turn my back on Bucky. “How many times?!? How many times did I leave you alone, how many times did I walk away because you couldn’t stand to even hold my hand? How many fucking times did I wake up to cold sheets because you couldn’t even stand to sit next to me, let alone sleep and be vulnerable with anyone else in the room? Tell me, do you even remember how many times?”  


His whispered “No” fuels my anger and I turn around to yell. “No? Neither do I. You know why? Because I didn’t keep count. Because I loved you enough to respect your decision and I would have cut my arms off before taking your choice away from you again. Because I swore no one would ever get that kind of control over you ever again. Not while you were mine, not while I was alive. Because I loved you enough to put you before me. Because you needed that. Because you deserved that more than anyone else I know…Because I love you more than I love myself. Do you get that?”  


He’s frozen. Listening to me yell, tears glistening in his eyes. Mine are stinging too, a dead sign that I was close to crying as well. His posture is a tortured one. His hands are shaking and he bit his lip so hard that I can see a little blood. I love him, God knows I would die for him with a smile on my face, but this hurt. The fact that me asking wasn’t enough, kills me. It kills me, because out of everyone, I had hoped Bucky would be the one to always be on my side. On our side. Till the end of the line…His actions, his betrayal had cut deep.  


“I-you’re right, Stevie. God, doll, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. You have no idea just how sorry I am. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I don’t respect you enough. Or love you enough. God, never that…”  


I sigh and shake my head. I could feel my headache returning. This was useless. If we didn't calm down before talking, we were gonna run in circles.  


“I love you, Bucky. I do. I always will. But where’s my love?”  


Before he could say anything else, I turned on my heels and left the room in search of my good nurse.


	5. Say it before you run out of time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello, hello! Comment and tell me if you liked it. Also, I don't have a beta, so if you find a mistake, kindly point it out to me and I'll change it. Thanks a million, guys! :)
> 
> As usual, chapter inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEMxuxPMspM

As the door slammed shut with a thud that could have woken the dead, the brunet man let out a shuttered breath and promptly burst into heart wrenching sobs. He felt his body starting to tremble and he let himself fall to his knees, his hands pulling on his hair; tears and snot all over his pained face. The man looked up with a hopeful look on his face when the door opened slowly a few minutes later. He felt disappointment fill his chest when Steve wasn’t the one that entered. “Oh…It’s you.”  


The two that entered winced at his tone and shared a pained look. The redhead and the archer sat down on either side of him and put their hands on him. Clint put his arm around his shoulders and Natasha took his trembling hands in hers. “Oh, James. What did you do?!?”  


“Nat,” the archer hissed, “don’t say that!”  


The woman in question glared at him and shrugged her shoulders. “Don’t give me that look, Barton. Barnes clearly knows he fucked up.”  


“Well, obviously, but you don’t have to remind him. Don’t worry, buddy, we’re here for you.”  


Barnes made no sound to acknowledge the two bickering children.  


“Remind him?!? Clint, the fight happened 5 minutes ago. I know that Bucky’s brain is all fucked up, but I don’t think even he has managed to forget that fight so quickly…No one else will forget it soon either. I think they might have even woken up a patient or two from their coma.”  


That got a reaction out of both Clint and Bucky. Clint let out a bark of laughter that he managed to stop quickly and gave Bucky a look of panic and guilt. Bucky himself started laughing. But he was still sobbing so it came out as a strangled sound that seemed to resemble an elephant in heat. He had the “honor” of witnessing that while he was in Africa, trying to heal his Swiss cheese brain. He promised himself he would take his eyes out and cut his ears off before he witnessed that again.  


“Everyone heard us, huh?” He winced as he heard his raspy voice. It reminded him of how he sounded when he was brought out of cryo and his voice was fucked after not being used for so long.  


Natasha was first. “Everyone and their dead grandmas, yeah.”  


Clint wasn't one to disappoint either. “Dude, even I heard the commotion and I had already taken out my hearing aids, so I’d say there’s even a chance that even Jarvis back home heard you.”  


By now Bucky’s tears had stopped and he looked at the two like they had lost their marbles. He laughed anyway. But it was a bitter one. “Great,” he sighed. “I guess you’re right. I don’t think either one of us was pulling their punches…It was bad.”  


“Bad? Dude, it was nuclear. It was- ”  


Before he could “help” Bucky more, Natasha leaned over him and slapped Clint behind the head. He got the message and quickly shut up.  


“He could have put it better, but Clint is right, Bucky. That was…vicious. I don’t think you two ever fought so bad. And Steve…Steve was ruthless. He shouldn’t have said all that.”  


The expression on Clint’s face said that he didn’t really agree 100% with the woman, but he did his duty as Bucky’s best friend. “Nat’s right. He shouldn’t have said all those things to you.”  


Bucky looked from Clint to Natasha and shook his head. He sat up, the two following quickly. “Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but he was right anyway. And the worst part is that had it not been for me blowing up at him, he more than likely wouldn’t have ever told me how he felt. He would have probably brushed it off and apologized to me after a few days for not treating me right. 

That’s Steve for you. And you guys should know that by now.”  


Natasha nodded. “We do. And I’ll kick your ass on his behalf later, but now I’m worrying about you. He could have told you all that without questioning your love for him. That was an asshole move.”  


“Hey, don’t call my doll names, Romanov!”  


Natasha and Clint shared a small smile as she rolled her eyes. That was so typical of Bucky. Steve had just handed his ass to him on a silver platter and he still defended him. Then again, they were talking about Bucky. The man would die (which he already did once, she’d rather not make it to two, thank you very much) with a smile on his face for Steve. She didn’t even bother to correct him and tell him she hadn’t called Steve an asshole, only that his actions had been asshole-ish. While she agreed with Steve wholeheartedly, he could have been a little bit gentler with his words. She thought Steve, out of everyone, would know that sometimes words hurt more than a slap ever could. That aside, Natasha did notice Steve hadn’t been himself lately. He would go quiet and he would disappear for hours on end only to come back and act like he had never left. It irked Natasha that she couldn’t figure it out. Steve always kept his cards close to him so she always found him harder to read. She wanted to help Steve if something was wrong with him, but she didn’t know how to bring it up.  


Her first suspicions appeared a few months earlier when Bucky had been on a solo mission for close to two months, with minimal to no contact with the team and especially Steve. The poor guy was a wreck. It had happened when she and Sam had been over for dinner and trying to keep Steve’s mind off of Bucky’s mission. Sam and Steve were cooking dinner when Sam had burned himself. 

The burn wasn’t bad, but it was enough to freak out both Steve and Natasha. Steve kept Sam’s hand under cold water as he sent Natasha to get the first aid kit from his and Bucky’s bathroom. She had found blood in the sink and on the floor, but she didn’t fully process what she had seen until Sam had been treated and he had assured them that he didn’t need to go to the hospital.  


Flashback  


The three of them were eating dinner, Sam and Steve discussing a new running route that Sam had found that day. Steve hadn’t joined him since Bucky had left so Sam trying to taunt him into joining him again. He often complained to his girlfriend that he needed his running buddy. As she moved the piece of steak through the red sauce, the image of the blood hit her like a train. “Hey, Steve. Did you get injured somehow and forgot to tell us?” Sam stopped chewing and glared at Steve. He made for a comic sight since his mouth was still full with food and he even had some sauce in his goatee. Natasha would have snorted had she not been head over heels in love with the moron and more importantly, on a mission to find out what Steve had been up to that ended up in so much blood.  


The blond in question looked a little confused. “Uhm, no. Not that I remember. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”  


By now, the three had abandoned their dinners. “Oh, really? Then why do you have blood all over your bathroom sink and floor?!?” The bitch brow that she gave Steve made both him and Sam flinch. Her worry grew when she saw Steve’s eyes widen and look around as of searching for a way out. She even found it odd that he started pulling on the sleeves of his Henley. Before she or Steve could say anything else, Sam, who by now had finally managed to swallow his food, laughed out loud. “You had me worried there, Tash. The oaf probably cut himself while shaving because he was busy thinking about Bucky.”  


Steve’s face cleared. With the way Steve was looking at Sam you would think Sam was the sign of Jesus’ second arrival. “Yeah, happened this morning. I guess I didn’t see all the blood when I cleaned up.”  


Considering the fact that Steve was a neat freak she wasn’t quite sure she believed that. But Steve had no reason to lie to them, right? So she shrugged her shoulders and with a “Be careful next time, kay?” she went back to her dinner, the guys doing the same. She chose to ignore the little voice from the back of her mind that told her that it was too much blood to come from a shaving nick and that he would have absolutely healed before he lost that much blood.  


End Flashback  


“Natasha, you with us?”  


She came back from the memory to see both Clint and Bucky giving her worried looks. “Yeah, sorry. I was thinking of something.” The two men didn’t look convinced, but let Natasha have her privacy.  


They were all silent for a few minutes before Bucky squared his shoulders and cleaned his face in the bathroom. As he exited the bathroom he asked, “Do you know where he went?”  


Natasha and Clint, who had been waiting for him on the bed shared a concerned look. Clint ran his hand through his hair as he spoke. “We don’t know where he went. Sam and Wanda are with him…But,uh…maybe you should give him some time to calm down, don’t you think?”  


Bucky winced and visibly deflated, losing his confidence and courage. He hated the sympathetic looks his friends were giving him. He wanted to see Steve and apologize over and over until his doll gave him the chance to make to him. He had so much to apologize for and he had to think of ways to make it up to Steve. Ways that showed Steve that he was everything Bucky had and loved in this world. He had to show Steve that he was the light of his life and the air in his lungs. That being said, he also knew that what Steve needed right now was time. Time to think and time to breathe. Maybe the guys were right. Steve needed to relax and heal. The stress of fighting with Bucky would certainly take its toll on Steve’s injured body. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he walked back to the bed and sat down.  


“You’re right. Stevie needs time now. Not to hear me grovel…”  


Clint nodded and Natasha patted Bucky’s hand. “It’s the right thing to do, James.”  


On another floor, a dark skinned man and another redhead were running after Steve as he stalked around, searching for two things. His good nurse and the children’s floor.  


“Steve, man, slow down. You need to calm down before you keel over.”  


The dark skinned man sighed when his words fell on deaf ears. He and the redhead sighed when they finally caught up with the blonde man as he stopped to talk to another nurse.  


“Excuse me, do you by any chance know the nurse that came in with me and the little boy?”  


“Uhm, Captain America, sir-I, yes.”  


Steve’s jaw clenched. The dark skinned man, Natasha’s Sam, snorted when she stopped talking, but she still hadn’t told Steve what he needed to know. The redhead, Wanda, rolled her eyes at seeing a woman twice their age fan girl over their Captain. Though it shouldn’t surprise her since it happened everywhere they went. She had to admit that even though Steve was like her brother, he was a very handsome man.  


“Well, what’s her name? Do you know where she is?”  


Steve’s patience was close to non-existent by that point. The nurse’s mouth fell at his tone. Sam snickered and Wanda took over before this turned shout-y.  


“What Steve is trying to say is that he’s tired, we have to go back to New York soon and he would like to thank the nurse that helped him and see the kid he saved one more time. Do you think you could help us?”  


“Uhm, yes, miss. Certainly. Her name is Sarah and you’ll find her two floors up on the children’s floor. I don’t know in which room, but if you ask at the desk, they’ll be able to tell you.”  


The three stopped breathing for a second when they heard her name. Steve honest to God whimpered and if it was possible made himself small again. Sam winced and squeezed his shoulder as a sign of silent support. Wanda was silent for a few seconds, before quickly gaining her composure.  


"Thank you, ma’am. Have a good day.”  


With that, Sam and Wanda almost had to support Steve as they walked towards the elevator. Wanda thanked God no one else got in with them as she pressed the button for the 5th floor and Steve sat down, his back against the elevator’s wall and his eyes closed. Sam, bless his little heart, crouched down next to him and put his hand on Steve’s head.  


“Breathe, Steve. You’re alright. You’re not alone. Wanda and I are here for you. Just breathe with me.”  


Between harsh breaths, Steve managed to say one thing. “Why me?”  


Sam’s face contorted with pain and Wanda’s heart broke.  


As the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened, Steve sat up and wiped his eyes. They exited the elevator in silence and turned to walk towards the desk. Wanda squeezed Steve’s hand as she spoke. “Because you’re strong, Steve.”  


Later on Wanda would say she wished she had never said those words.  


Steve stopped walking and turned around to face them with a murderous look on his face that made Wanda pale and Sam trip. Steve looked like a snake ready to strike. His jaw was clenched so tight that Sam wondered how in the world did his teeth stayed intact. His eyes were filled with so many contrasting emotions. Rage, fury, pain, grief. His fists were clenched by his side as if to stop himself from punching something, or someone, Sam told himself as a fleeting thought. Sam was sure that Steve’s composure was due to them being surrounded by children. He was sure that had it not been for that, Steve would have turned into a tornado.  


“And because I’m strong,” Steve hissed the word as if it was poison on his tongue, “I should be able to take hit after hit, huh Wanda? Is that what you believe? That you all believe? That because I’m strong I should take whatever is thrown at me like the good, strong boy that I am and never complain? Is that how it is? Well, guess what, Wanda. Just because I’m strong, it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t fucking hurt. Because it does. By God, how it fucking hurts. And in case you didn’t know, let me tell you something. Even the strongest will break at some point. The question is, will you be there to witness it or deal with the consequences?”  


When Sam and Wanda stayed silent, frozen in shock and even a little afraid, Steve snorted harshly. “Didn’t think so…If you don’t mind, I’d like to do this alone, since I’m so strong.”  


With that, he turned on his heels and walked towards the desk where a couple of nurses were watching them curiously. He plastered a fake ass smile on his face as he got closer and tried to stop himself from cursing up a storm. “Hello, ma’am. I was wondering if you knew where nurse Sarah was.”  


“She’s around here somewhere, sir. But I can’t tell you exactly where. We’re all over the place right now. If you’ll wait a second, I’ll tell her to come here.”  


Steve’s smile turned into his real one now. Finally someone who did their jobs around here. He watched the nurse take the phone, press a button and soon her voice was heard from the speakers. “Sarah, please come to the desk asap. Thank you.”  


“Thank you, ma’am.”  


“You’re welcome, sir.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Steve saw a familiar black haired woman come from the hall. She beamed at Steve for a second, before a frown took over.  


“Shouldn’t you be in bed right now?”  


For the first time in 24 hours, Steve felt his face almost break from the huge smile that had taken over his face. “I’m fine. Or I will be soon enough. But we have to leave soon and I didn’t want to leave without getting the chance to talk to you and see Andrew one more time.”  


“Oh, dear. You’re very welcome. You gave us all quite a fright. Poor Andrew was inconsolable. He just woke up. Unfortunately, we had to sedate him after you went down.”  


Steve’s smile fell. “Damn it! Is he alright?”  


Sarah smiled kindly. “Sure, come with me. He was a lucky kid. Or he had someone watching over him. Other than a few scratches and being dehydrated, he’s good to go.”  


“What’s gonna happen to him now? Is he going to an orphanage or into foster care?”  


Steve hoped not. He needed a lot of care and love right now. Which he probably wouldn’t get there.  


Sarah shook her head as they stopped in front of a room. “No. He’s got an aunt from his mother’s side. She’ll be here in a few hours. Ready?”  


“That’s good. I’m glad he won’t be alone. And I’m ready as I’ll ever be.”  


“Wait here until I call you.” With that, she left him in the hall and entered the room, quickly closing the door behind her.  


Steve could still hear as if she was next to him. “Andreeeew, guess who came to see you?”  


He heard Andrew’s screech of joy and Sarah’s laughter. “Steve? STEVE? Tell me, is it Steve?!?”  


Sarah didn’t answer. Instead she called out a loud “Come in.”  


Steve was barely two steps into the room when Andrew launched himself at him. Steve laughed and held him tight as he walked further into the room and sat down on one of the chairs. He ran his hands over the child’s back as Andrew’s happiness turned into horror and he started bawling in Steve’s lap. “Hey, now. Why are you crying kid? What’s wrong?”  


“I-I-I hu-rt you! I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” The child’s body was shaken by sobs and hiccups. Steve’s heart hurt for the little one. “Shh, calm down and breathe. Come on, breathe with me. I’m fit as a fiddle. Ready for battle again. You didn’t hurt me one bit. I guess you do have to eat a little more to get stronger than me.”  


Steve relaxed a little as the sobs were quieting down and the boy stopped shaking like a leaf in his lap. But the kid was relentless. “Are you sure?”  


Steve smiled at him. “Of course I’m fine. Would Captain America lie?”  


“No,” the kid whispered in reply. “See? We’re both fine. Which is good. I came to see you before I left. I wanted to see if you were alright.”  


“Leave?!?” His squeak was adorable. Steve nodded. “Sure. I live in New York, remember? With the other Avengers…But maybe you’ll aunt would let you visit sometimes.”  


The smile the kid gave him could have rivaled the sun. “Really?”  


“Really, really,” Steve answered him. “Now go to bed and be good before your aunt gets here, ok?”  


Andrew nodded and slid out of Steve lap and jumped onto the bed, starting to play with a few toy cars. Sarah and Steve shared a smile and she started walking towards the door. Steve bent down and kissed Andrew’s head. “Be safe, kid”.  


He followed Sarah out of the room and they walked back towards the elevators. “You’re good with kids.”  


Steve smiled at Sarah’s comment. “Buck had three little sisters. Rebecca, Annie and Julie. Three little hellions that followed us around like little ducklings.”  


The comment about Bucky slipped out before he could stop it. He didn’t want to think about him now. As they walked, he saw Wanda and Sam waiting for him on a bench by the elevators and he was filled with guilt. They hadn’t deserved the way he went off on them.  


He stopped with Sarah at the desk and drew the short woman into a quick hug. With a soft “Thank you” in her ear, he let go and walked towards his friends. Friends that unbeknown to him were freaking out after listening to his angry words.  


They stood up as he approached and Wanda opened her mouth to speak. “We're going back where we left the jet in 15. I’m going to get some fresh air.”  


“The jet’s there. Clint brought it.” Sam’s voice is small as he talks to Steve.  


Steve only nodded in acknowledgment as he turned on his heels and took off towards the other end of the hallway to take the stairs towards the roof.  


“This is such a fucking mess,” Sam moaned as the elevator took them two floors down where the other Avengers were waiting. Bucky, Natasha, Clint, Rhodey, Tony, Bruce, Thor and Vision filled the hallway outside of the room where Steve had stayed in. They all stood up when they saw Sam and Wanda walking towards them.  


“Where’s Steve?”  


Bucky’s voice was hysterical as he looked at Sam and Wanda as if waiting for Steve to jump out of one of their pockets. “Steve’s already up on the roof. Wheels up in 15.”  


That was all that Bucky needed before he took off towards the stairs as well. Sam shook his head as they all watched him run. “What’s with super soldiers and stairs?” Wanda let out a small laugh as the others looked at them confused. “Never mind. Let’s go prep the jet while they talk.”  


They nodded and split in two elevators that took them to the roof where the jet was waiting for them after Clint had flown it there while Steve was still in surgery. God knows how they’ll be able to ignore the conversation between Steve and Bucky but they’re gonna try as hell to do it.  


Steve wasn’t doing well. His lungs still hurt a little when he took a deep breath as soon as he got up on the roof. His mind was a mess, his thoughts going a thousand miles per hour. He walked around the jet and stopped at the edge of the building. The sky was pitch black but the city was still alive. It had survived. Just like Steve…not that Steve felt that happy about it. He looked over the edge and just for a second entertained the thought of jumping and ending it right then and there. Like cutting the strings of a useless puppet. But he stopped. He couldn’t do that to Sarah or Andrew…or Bucky for that matter.  


Bucky.  


James Buchanan Barnes. His light. His air. His blood. His heart. His everything. His eternity. His end of the line.  


He loved Bucky with everything that he was. But he sure as hell didn’t like him in that moment. But that didn’t stop him from feeling guilty. Bucky didn’t deserve the way he had talked to him. Not after all Bucky suffered because of Steve.  


He felt him before he heard him. And with the way Bucky was running towards him that was saying something. Bucky came to a screeching stop in front of Steve and started speaking before Steve even had a chance to realize what was happening.  


“Steve, Stevie, doll, I’m so fucking sorry. I know I don’t have an excuse for what I did and I’m not asking you to forgive me, but I’m apologizing anyway. I swear to all that is holy that I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that and I feel like a fuck up for doing that to you. Babydoll, I’ll apologize until I’m blue to the face for taking that choice from you. And you were right. So fucking right. You did all that for me, but I couldn’t return it. I was an asshole. Please, sweetheart, I’m so so sorry. I love you so fucking much and yet I caused you so much pain. Again.”  


They both ignored the rest of the team that were now walking towards the jet.  


“I’m sorry, honey.-”  


“Buck, please, stop apologizing. I get it. I forgive you, if that makes you feel better. But please, just don’t do it again…I-I can’t start protecting myself from you too.”  


Steve cursed himself when he saw the pain on Bucky’s face.  


“I’m not saying this because I want to get back at you or something, buck. Or because I hate you. Because I don’t. I never have. Never will. But it’s how I feel. And I should apologize to you as well. I’ve never believed you don’t love me, even though that’s what I felt at the moment. I know you love me, but you made a mistake. I won’t let that come between us.”  


The only answer Steve got was an armful of Bucky. He gingerly put his arms around his sobbing lover. Steve was starting to feel like a handkerchief.  


“Come on, Buck. Breathe. Calm down, lover. You’re gonna hyperventilate and Nat will kick my ass.”  


Bucky giggled as his sobbing subsided. His tears hadn’t stopped though. “I love you so much, Stevie. I always have. And I’m gonna spend the rest of my life showing and telling you that. I’ll have to convince you that I love you before we run out of time. God, my thoughts are consumed by you. By your eyes and the feeling of your touch on my skin. By your lips on mine and by your hands on my hips. By your eyes. But most of all, by your heart. That’s what made me fall in love with you and follow you until the ends of the earth. Until the end of the line…because no matter what I do, I can’t stop thinking ‘bout you.”  


Steve’s only response was to crush his mouth to Bucky’s in a searing kiss. When they broke apart, Steve whispered on thing against Bucky’s mouth. “Until the end of the line.”  


“Until the end of the line, doll.”  


The moment was interrupted by a beaming Sam. “If you two knuckleheads are done sucking faces, I’d like to go home and sleep for the next 72 hours. So please, get your asses on the jet.”  


Bucky and Steve both snorted as the turned towards the jet. “Yeah, Sam, we’re done.” Bucky joined Natasha and Clint in the front of the jet, while Steve walked towards Sam and Wanda.  


“Guys, I-uhm…I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I apologize.”  


Sam rolled his eyes and walked away, but turned to wink at Steve. All was forgiven. Wanda hugged Steve around the waist and snuggled close to him as Steve rested his head on hers.  


“No problem, Steve…But you would talk to me if something was wrong, right Steve?”  


He stiffened, which made Wanda do the same. “Steve, you would, right?”  


“Sure, of course, absolutely. Why wouldn’t I, W?”  


With a kiss on her forehead, he let her go and he walked towards one of the windows, turning his back on his lover and their team.


	6. Magnifying all our flaws...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hope you enjoy the new chapter. It's shorter because this is the beginning of the end. Things will be bad from now on...
> 
> Chapter inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2vBLd5Egnk

As I woke up, I realized that once again the bed was empty and Bucky’s space was cold. He did have an excuse today if he’s already dressed and ready to go, but what is the explanation for the rest of the days he’s been ignoring me?  


It’s been a few days since we got back from Denver and things have been weird. Well, more like people have been weird. I’ve caught both Wanda and Sam looking at me with concerned expressions on their faces a few times and they’ve both been using excuses to be around me all the time. Which normally would have pissed me off, but since Bucky himself went out of his way not to touch me or spend more time than necessary with me, Wanda’s and Sam’s hovering were welcomed.  


Bucky has been distant. While we still slept in the same bed, you could easily call us strangers, not lovers. He stays on his side of the bed and he comes to bed after he makes sure I’m asleep. His touches are soft and rare and his hugs don’t last. He barely brushes his lips against mine and my forehead is his new place to kiss. Not that I mind it, don’t get me wrong, but I miss his warmth.  


As I get out of bed and start my morning routine, I acknowledge Jarvis. “Morning, Jarvis. Do you know where Bucky is?”  


His cheery tone makes me smile. “Good morning, Mr. Rogers. Mr. Barnes is in the kitchen, having breakfast with Mr. Barton, Mr. Rhodes, Mr. Stark and Mr. Thor.”  


I already knew the others were gone. Sam and Natasha left yesterday for DC to visit his family, Wanda and Vision were volunteering at an orphanage and Bruce hasn’t left his lab in two days.  


I dress quickly having showered the night before, I pocket my wallet, phone and tickets and as I walk out of the room the noise is guiding me towards the kitchen where Thor is the first one to notice me. “STEVEN, my friend, you have awakened!”  


I laugh as I sit down next to Bucky and pick up an apple. “Morning, everyone,” I say before taking a bite out of the apple. “Morning, Buck,” I whisper in his ear and smile, pleased with myself when I see him get goose bumps. “Morning, Steve.” He whispers back and quickly kisses my cheek. Thor and Clint seem to be having a competition of who can eat more pancakes and Tony and Rhodey seem to be talking about improving Rhodey’s suit. All the while Bucky and I sit side by side, silent and awkward as I eat my apple. After I finish eating, I get up and throw the rest away, wash my hands and turn towards the others.  


“Hey, Buck, ready to go?” I ask him.  


“Yeah, as soon as Thor finishes his breakfast, we’re going. Are you coming too?” He tells me as he watches Thor shove two whole pancakes down his throat.  


His reply confuses me and makes me do a double take. Too? Thor? “Thor? What’s Thor got to do with this? And of course I’m going, I’m the one that came up with it.” He turns towards me, frowning. “Really? Well, anyway, Thor has to take us or we can’t go, remember?”  


What? Since when are we allowed inside a museum only if Thor takes us?  


“Uhhhm, why can’t we go without Thor? And you know I barely managed to get tickets for the two of us, Thor is the one that won’t be allowed to come in, not us.”  


By now they had abandoned their conversations and were watching us.  


“Tickets? What tickets are you talking about, Steve?”  


Dread is filling my stomach as I start to understand what was going on. “What are you talking about, Bucky?”  


“Asgard, of course. Steve, what’s going on? You just said it was your idea.” His tone implies that I’m stupid for even asking.  


“Asgard?!? You’re going to fucking Asgard?” I yell because I can’t believe this is happening.  


“Hey!” Thor yells, clearly insulted. “Not now, big guy,” Tony tells him.  


“Yes, Steve. We’re all going to Asgard. What’s your problem?”  


I feel my face going red. I’m pissed off and devastated at the same time. Not about missing the show, but about Bucky’s behavior. “Do you hear yourself? What’s my problem? Well, Barnes, MY problem is that we were supposed to go to MOMA to see the new art wing they opened last night. And since I begged you for a fucking MONTH to come with me, you agreed to come with me after making me promise not to take you to the gala. Stupid me believed you.”  


After my rant silence filled the room. You could hear a pin drop and it only took a few seconds before I saw comprehension on Bucky’s faces. It was followed by fear and pain before stopping on panic. He gets up, walking towards me. I step back. “Steve, Stevie, I’m so sorry, I forgot-”. “Obviously,” I cut him off and enjoy watching him flinch. “I’m sorry, doll. I’ll go with you. Come on, I’ll make it up to you. Let’s go. I’m sorry, it slipped my mind.”  


I snort. Does he really think I’m stupid? His actions and words are saying yes. “James, please, don’t insult me. Go to Asgard. Stay there for all I care. I’m done here.”  


I turn around and walk out of the kitchen, towards the elevators. All I hear behind me is glass shattering and Bucky running after me. “Stevie, forgive me. You can’t mean that. I love you, damn it. It was a mistake.”  


“Yes, it was a mistake thinking that you would actually join me. I should have known you would do anything to get out of it.”  


“Steve, no. It wasn’t like that. I forgot, I swear I did. Please, let’s go and have fun.”  


I snort again. Bucky was on a roll today. “James, just go. I’m not letting you join me only to hear you moan and complain and dream about Asgard. You have your priorities and I have mine.”  


“Fucking hell, Steve. Stop talking like that. Stop calling me James. Let’s go to the blasted art show if it means that much to you and we’ll do something fun after that.”  


I sigh and stop fighting. “Bucky, it is fun. For me. But it’s ok. Really. You go do your thing, I’ll do mine and we’ll have dinner when you get back. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed, but I’ll get over it.”  


He sighs as well and looks at me pained. “Please, Stevie. Let me come with you.”  


I shake my head as I call the elevator. “No, Bucky. Have fun.” With that I enter the elevator and watch his face as the doors close.  


I spend the rest of the day trying to forget about this morning. Needless to say it didn’t work. I enjoyed the art show and I walked around Brooklyn and ate ice-cream. I window shopped small trinkets for Natasha, Wanda and Sam. I bought an old drawing leather bound notebook for me. In which of course, I started drawing as soon as I got back to the tower.  


As I walk in the living room of the common floor, a red blur moves and I find myself hugged to death by Wanda. “Steve, Jarvis told me what happened this morning. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe the moron forgot.”  


I rub her back as I talk. “You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart. It wasn’t your fault. Bucky and I will work it out. Now let me go so I can give you your gift.”  


Her eyes lit up and she started bouncing up and down. Vision was sitting on the couch, watching her with a fond look in his eyes. “You got me something?” I laugh at her enthusiasm. “It’s silly. And nothing big, but I saw it and thought of you.” With that I pulled a small red headed doll from the bag I was carrying and gave it to her. She looked at it for a few seconds before she crushed it to her chest and she jumped back in my arms. “Thank you, Steve. Just that you thought enough of me to buy me something makes me feel special. I love you.”  


I kiss her forehead and she steps out of my arms, walking to Vision and showing him her new treasure. “You have nothing to thank me for. I did it because I love you like a sister. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a new drawing notebook I have to break in.” With a wink to Wanda and a nod to Vision I walk out of the room and take the elevator two floors up to mine and Bucky’s floor.  


I put the bag in our room and take the notebook and my pencils before sitting down on one of the couches and started drawing, loosing myself in the repetitive motion of moving the pencil across the page. I don’t know how much time passed, but Jarvis’s voice fills the room at some point and brings me out of my haze, making my hand spasm and draw a shaky line. “The others are back, Sir. Mr. Barnes will be here momentarily”. “Thank you, Jarvis,” I say as I use the eraser and draw the line again. It surprises me to see the drawing. It’s a sketch of the only kiss between me and Peggy. I blink twice and think about ripping the page out. Bucky really won’t be happy if he catches sight of this. I guess my subconscious is mad at Bucky as well. I rip about two inches but I stop and Bucky comes running in and I slam the notebook shut.  


He comes to a halt when he sees me. “Stevie, you’re home! I was hoping you’d still be out cause I wanted to cook us dinner. Oooh, you were drawing! Let me see, let me see.”  


I say nothing as he walks towards me, making grabby hands. “No, Buck, it’s not finished.” He pouts as I put the notebook on the couch and I walk around him and towards the kitchen. Barely had I opened the door of the fridge when Bucky comes barreling into the kitchen, foaming at the mouth and waving the notebook around. I sighed. I should have known he couldn’t resist temptation. Liar! A voice in my head whispers. You knew he would do that. You did that on purpose. So what if I did?  


“Why do you have that, Bucky?” I ask him, playing stupid.  


“Why the fuck are you drawing a sketch of you and Carter kissing? Is this is a sketch or it really happened?” he yells, throwing the notebook on the kitchen island.  


“I didn’t start out to draw that, Bucky. It just happened. And yes, Peggy and I did kiss.”  


His face went from red to blue to white to red again. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT STEVE? When did it happen? And why didn’t you tell me? You never told me you kissed her! And now you’re drawing it? What? I’m not enough for you anymore?!? I told you I was sorry about this morning, damn it!”  


“The drawing has nothing to do with this morning, Bucky. I guess my mind drew without me. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would react like this. And it only happened once, I swear.”  


“Once was more than enough, don’t you think? Was it before you came for me in Germany or after?”  


“No, Bucky! GOD NO!! I was out of my mind with worry about you. Is that what you think? That I could cheat on you?”  


“I don’t know, Steve…The kiss and the drawing…”  


“It happened once and it was after I lost you. She tried to comfort me. It was just a kiss, Bucky.”  


“Yes, but you are mine.”  


I roll my eyes. Yes. Maybe I was wrong to keep it from him, but it was just a damn kiss. I didn’t blow up at them when I found out about him and Natasha.  


“I am, Buck. Don’t doubt that. And I apologize for not telling you. But it was just a kiss that meant nothing…You didn’t see me yelling at you when I found out about you and Natasha fucking.”  


His mouth drops and his eyes narrowed at me. “I DIDN’T KNOW WHO I WAS!”  


“And I thought you were dead, Bucky!”  


The fire in his eyes and his posture should have warned me. Too bad they didn’t.  


“AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?”  


Do you know how it feels when you get punched in your stomach? I do and it didn’t hurt as much as his words did. Hell, I almost died a few times and even that didn’t hurt like this. My jaw dropped as I watched as what he said registered in his brain and on his face. “Oh, God…Steve-”  


The temperature in the room was suddenly freezing and looking at him hurt.  


“Don’t. Don’t you dare come closer.”  


I walked around him, brushing off his hand as he tried to touch me. I slammed behind me the door of our room and slid to the floor, my back resting against it.  


As my body started to shut down and tears started running down my face, I felt the door shake as Bucky sat down on the other side.  


**Author's Note:**

> The chapters will get longer as the story goes on. Let me know if you liked it. :)


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